Explanation
You mustn't gaze upon my canvas
As it is, littered
With half-formed ideas and crude,
Disfigured shapes;
Pay no attention to the colors themselves,
They are ghosts dancing in its background
I cannot bring forth-
My eye cannot detect their whereabouts,
Perhaps for the best.
Shadows and shadows of shadows
Creep throughout, stretching
The borders, enveloped in melancholy,
Pride, and the fall thereof.
Maybe I'll transform the whole damn thing
Into that landscape after all.
10/30/09
10/21/09
10/19/09
Poker Chips (part 2)
(For the complete story be sure to read part 1)
It's now down to me and stoneface and it's my deal. He could buy me out at any time since he's got me beat by about $375,000, but he seems like a gentleman and he wants to take my money the hard way. It takes all of my concentration to avoid playing with and nervously readjusting my stacks as I know that Stoney will pick up on any weakness.
A couple hands later and the money situation is a little more evened out because I've been a little lucky, but I'm not so easily fooled. In the world of fast company this mother is the Flash and I wouldn't put it past old Wally West to have planned this all out. Gotta stay on my toes.
"I'll take two," I say in my surest voice possible.
It's his deal and he decides to take two as well, and as usual his face doesn't even twitch. I try to look deep into his eyes to read what move his soul might be thinking of but all I can manage is a quick glance. His vacant stare makes me uneasy. Not because I'm worried that he'll notice me watching, but because he might be trying to notice something in my eyes and I can't be sure that they won't betray me.
Stop it! I have to stop this line of thinking right now. My nerves are unraveling, and right in front of Stoney's big gaping eyes. I'm sure he's noticed to. He'd be able to look at my veins and see my pulse quicken so of course he'll notice this flop sweat. I've gotta be able to use this nervous energy to my advantage.
Paranoia aside, I manage to match his $25,000 bet and raise it another 50. A sum he abides to all too calmly before making his move. He doesn't go all in, he's too smart for that. I'm obviously on edge, and he's worried I'll fold. He might as well have went for broke though since he just raised my last $200,000. My two new cards are an ace of spades and a nine of diamonds, quite a bit helpful to the two aces I already have. Trips ace is a great hand but this guy is smart and betting much too strong for my tastes. He's beat me twice on a bluff before, although I can't be sure he isn't bluffing a bluff.
After what seems like an hour I manage to throw in the rest of my pot and I'm surprised at how easily the chips slide across the table. The damn things are all too eager to escape my sweaty grasp into the middle pile. By my estimation it's a little over half a mil and I realize I've never seen this much before. I'm embarassed to admit to myself that I can't figure out the exact amount but my mind's all over the place. It's taking all of my concentration to keep my composure.
He calls. We flip. And it's the first time this whole night I see a reaction on his face. Lucky bastard.
We shake hands and say our farewells but we do not leave on good terms. There's anger and deep feelings of suspicion hanging thick in the air. It isn't until I walk out into the cool night towards my truck that I'm able to start breathing again, and shortly after that I can think. When someone has such a shock to the system it takes them awhile to get their bearings straight.
What is it about the gambler that forces them to take risks? The petty thrill of it? How is a man supposed to know -- as Kenny Rogers says -- when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em? It's all a game of chance and the gambler plays the odds as best he can, but there's something to be said for experience in big game situations and in life.
Stonehenge had a four of a kind, all tens, and was confident in his victory. Too confident as it turns out because four tens will never beat four aces. And this time I can't help but smile as I pass a small covered garbage can and toss the nine of diamonds from my pocket into it. I wonder what he was thinking as he collected the few dollars he had left. I'll bet it was something about playing around with fast company, and I'll double that bet that the next time he's playing with a paranoid and sweaty fellow he'll question what it could be that would make a man that nervous.
10/16/09
From The Lab
Floating Towards The Distance
Lost in the salty air until a splash
Of ocean mist returns me to the breeze,
The sail, the waves, and the creak of the wood,
The tossing and turning, resting my eyes
On details of the falling shore, enlarged,
Sporadic, distant as the new world dream.
The grey skies tell me all I need to know.
With a jerk, tilting, the old ripped cloth sails
Begin to gain their fill; always hungry
For adventure and open sights unseen.
Seated above the keel, staring ahead,
I release the handle, thus allowing
A rudderless ship to take me away.
Lost in the salty air until a splash
Of ocean mist returns me to the breeze,
The sail, the waves, and the creak of the wood,
The tossing and turning, resting my eyes
On details of the falling shore, enlarged,
Sporadic, distant as the new world dream.
The grey skies tell me all I need to know.
With a jerk, tilting, the old ripped cloth sails
Begin to gain their fill; always hungry
For adventure and open sights unseen.
Seated above the keel, staring ahead,
I release the handle, thus allowing
A rudderless ship to take me away.
10/11/09
Poker Chips (part 1)
There is something to be said for experience, even though all the wisdom and practice one can possibly gain will never equal half of what life has to offer. Whether it's a malfunction in human capability or a deficiency in man's capacity, the fact remains the same.
Still, there's something to be said for experience, and that's about all I have to rely on now. I've been told that I have what's called 'big game experience', unfortunately big is relative. The problem was clear from the start; I know I'm in for a long night, and I have a lot more money to lose. Possibly gain, but almost certainly lose.
And here I thought I knew what pressure was...
This is the gambler's curse. Well, part of it anyway. Even though I'm unsure, even though I'm convinced that I can't win, there's still that slim chance. That little piece of hope is all it takes to risk the loss. The gambling man lives for that risk. Adrenaline junkies by nature, we love the thrill of putting everything into Fate's fumbling hands, on a simple turn of the cards. 'All or nothing,' becomes life's mantra.
There are a multitude of tricks, palms, slips, and cheats that can guarantee your victory in poker and I know all of them. Most are easy enough sleight-of-hand maneuvers, or other magician's table card tricks, all of which are nothing but giveaways for beginners. There are a few more advanced tactics undetectable by the human eye, but here and now, none of that matters.
Most of the other guys left already, leaving only myself and two others at the table, and these two were players. Fast company. And you just don't pull tricks in fast company. Fast company is quick enough to catch you and that can get you hurt, in some circles that can get you dead. Following the tradition of my luck, this is one of those circles.
Poker's a game built to test a man's nerves, and everybody has their own way of releasing the pressure that builds, they sometimes call it luck. Personally, I do this weird little thing where I push all of that unsettling energy out of my hands and into those tiny, round chips. I somehow force them and not the cards to represent the embodiment of luck in my mind, and only then can I relax enough to play. I really can't explain why so don't ask.
I've wisely folded my current hand; I'm just too unsure about one of my opponents. On the outside this is a game of hard drinks, cigar smoke, crude jokes, and a fragile camaraderie, but there is no friendship here. A man after your money is a man not to be trusted, and one should always be able to trust their friends.
The man to the left of me is a Stonehenge. He has no need for sunglasses or baseball caps because his face hasn't changed expressions - win or lose - since we started. As far as I can see he has no tells, unlike the man to my right. Even his high-collared jacket and thin rimmed glasses can't protect him. He's excited about what he's holding. He's trying to keep it in and it's exposing him, as his eyes dart back and forth to those circular plastic jewels piled high in the middle of the table. I'm certainly no pro but even I can see what's coming. He is far too confident in this situation and he's about to be gutted like a fish, poor bastard.
Sure enough, Stonehenge baits the hook by going all in and the fish bites. I almost can't watch. It's so much easier to take big risks when playing with chips. In their uniform, multi-colored stacks they're easier to lose than currency because a little represents a lot in terms of dollars. For example, Mr. Right agrees to the all or nothing bid and slides his last twenty-five blue chips into the middle of the table, something he might not have been apt to do if he had to deal with the $5,000 in cash each chip represented. $125,000 is enough cold green to make any sane person think twice. Two pair and a half dozen obscenities later and a fool learns a lesson the hard way to a full house, jacks over nines. Next time he'll think twice before he tries to bluff a half-hand for big money, but probably not. Some gamblers can never learn.
It's now down to me and stoneface and it's my deal.
(Keep checkin back for part two, coming soon)
Still, there's something to be said for experience, and that's about all I have to rely on now. I've been told that I have what's called 'big game experience', unfortunately big is relative. The problem was clear from the start; I know I'm in for a long night, and I have a lot more money to lose. Possibly gain, but almost certainly lose.
And here I thought I knew what pressure was...
This is the gambler's curse. Well, part of it anyway. Even though I'm unsure, even though I'm convinced that I can't win, there's still that slim chance. That little piece of hope is all it takes to risk the loss. The gambling man lives for that risk. Adrenaline junkies by nature, we love the thrill of putting everything into Fate's fumbling hands, on a simple turn of the cards. 'All or nothing,' becomes life's mantra.
There are a multitude of tricks, palms, slips, and cheats that can guarantee your victory in poker and I know all of them. Most are easy enough sleight-of-hand maneuvers, or other magician's table card tricks, all of which are nothing but giveaways for beginners. There are a few more advanced tactics undetectable by the human eye, but here and now, none of that matters.
Most of the other guys left already, leaving only myself and two others at the table, and these two were players. Fast company. And you just don't pull tricks in fast company. Fast company is quick enough to catch you and that can get you hurt, in some circles that can get you dead. Following the tradition of my luck, this is one of those circles.
Poker's a game built to test a man's nerves, and everybody has their own way of releasing the pressure that builds, they sometimes call it luck. Personally, I do this weird little thing where I push all of that unsettling energy out of my hands and into those tiny, round chips. I somehow force them and not the cards to represent the embodiment of luck in my mind, and only then can I relax enough to play. I really can't explain why so don't ask.
I've wisely folded my current hand; I'm just too unsure about one of my opponents. On the outside this is a game of hard drinks, cigar smoke, crude jokes, and a fragile camaraderie, but there is no friendship here. A man after your money is a man not to be trusted, and one should always be able to trust their friends.
The man to the left of me is a Stonehenge. He has no need for sunglasses or baseball caps because his face hasn't changed expressions - win or lose - since we started. As far as I can see he has no tells, unlike the man to my right. Even his high-collared jacket and thin rimmed glasses can't protect him. He's excited about what he's holding. He's trying to keep it in and it's exposing him, as his eyes dart back and forth to those circular plastic jewels piled high in the middle of the table. I'm certainly no pro but even I can see what's coming. He is far too confident in this situation and he's about to be gutted like a fish, poor bastard.
Sure enough, Stonehenge baits the hook by going all in and the fish bites. I almost can't watch. It's so much easier to take big risks when playing with chips. In their uniform, multi-colored stacks they're easier to lose than currency because a little represents a lot in terms of dollars. For example, Mr. Right agrees to the all or nothing bid and slides his last twenty-five blue chips into the middle of the table, something he might not have been apt to do if he had to deal with the $5,000 in cash each chip represented. $125,000 is enough cold green to make any sane person think twice. Two pair and a half dozen obscenities later and a fool learns a lesson the hard way to a full house, jacks over nines. Next time he'll think twice before he tries to bluff a half-hand for big money, but probably not. Some gamblers can never learn.
It's now down to me and stoneface and it's my deal.
(Keep checkin back for part two, coming soon)
10/5/09
From The Lab
Hibernating Butterflies
Draped in oranges, yellows, and reds,
Casually, they flutter together;
Bright, beautiful, rarely seen,
All dependent on the weather.
Fresh-faced, lively, a spring in the step,
An energy brighter than any seen,
Wrapped in flowing, patterned silk,
Fitting forms of lovely dreams.
The sun is high and the air is rich,
So pretty creature spread your wings,
But please continue through the cooler months,
For your subtle absence gently stings.
Draped in oranges, yellows, and reds,
Casually, they flutter together;
Bright, beautiful, rarely seen,
All dependent on the weather.
Fresh-faced, lively, a spring in the step,
An energy brighter than any seen,
Wrapped in flowing, patterned silk,
Fitting forms of lovely dreams.
The sun is high and the air is rich,
So pretty creature spread your wings,
But please continue through the cooler months,
For your subtle absence gently stings.
10/2/09
From The Lab
'As I stare into the evening sky'
As I stare into the evening sky, I
Noticed stars glimmering, shining just right,
Like lanterns of heaven, casting their light,
As comfort and guide to lead me by.
As I stare into the evening sky, I
Am breathless from the twinkling sight,
The man in the moon soon claims the night,
And I try to give thanks between the sighs.
As I stare into the evening sky, I
Admire the comets with tails lit bright,
Random specks of light against the void, that fight
To be noticed by men with heads held high.
As I stare into the evening sky, I
Squint my eyes against the pale moon white,
And stare in awe, respect, and fright,
To see a God's artistry compared to mine.
As I stare into the evening sky, I
Noticed stars glimmering, shining just right,
Like lanterns of heaven, casting their light,
As comfort and guide to lead me by.
As I stare into the evening sky, I
Am breathless from the twinkling sight,
The man in the moon soon claims the night,
And I try to give thanks between the sighs.
As I stare into the evening sky, I
Admire the comets with tails lit bright,
Random specks of light against the void, that fight
To be noticed by men with heads held high.
As I stare into the evening sky, I
Squint my eyes against the pale moon white,
And stare in awe, respect, and fright,
To see a God's artistry compared to mine.
Pic of the Litter
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